In the grip of a nightmare

I had a full day today, and didn’t get much sleep last night, so a few hours ago, I decided to lay down to take a nap.  About 30 minutes ago, I woke up in a state of panic and trembling fear.  It took me a moment to get my wits about me.  I was looking franticly around the room for something that wasn’t there.  I was breathing heavily, and my body felt as though I had just run a marathon.  Once I calmed down, I realized that I had just awoken from what was probably the scariest dream I’d ever had.  The image of this dream still grips me, so I decided to write it down.

I was by myself, in a desert.  I was walking through the sand, wearing a long white dress and no shoes.  As I walked, I noticed a house on the horizon.  Somehow I knew this was my destination, so I climbed through the sand dunes and fought against the wind until I got to the front steps.  This house was just sitting in the middle of the desert, with nothing else around.

I walked up to the door and knocked.  There was no answer, so I turned the knob and went inside.  As I pushed the door open, I saw that the interior of the home was awash in color.  I remember bright pinks are purples and red.  And all of the fixtures, from the stair rails to the door knobs and drawer handles were a sparkling gold.  There was music playing.  It seemed like it was coming from a record player… it had that distant but upclose quality to it, if that makes any sense.  The music was almost like ragtime piano.

I walked around the house, peeking my head into the various rooms as I passed.  I had the feeling that someone else was there with me.  I came upon one door that was locked.  I turned and twisted the knob, and pressed against the door, but it wouldn’t budge.  I became consumed with the desire to get inside this room.  I started slamming my shoulder against it, then pounding my fists, then kicking it.  Finally, the door came loose, and creaked open.

I pushed my way inside, and saw that there was nothing in the room but a couch and a blanket on the floor.  As I approached the blanket, I realized that there was a form underneath.  I bent over to pull the blanket away from the crouching figure, and what I revealed made me scream.  It was a woman.  Completely naked, squatting on the ground, vertebrae poking through her skin.  She was holding something in her arms.  Although she repulsed me, I didn’t run away. I just stood there staring at her.

The woman’s head slowly began to turn toward me, and when she was staring directly at me, I saw that her face was lovely in comparison to her twisted figure.  I caught a glimpse of what she was holding in her arms. It was a doll.  Like a baby doll.  For some reason I wanted it.  I reached out to take the doll away from her and she sort of…screeched and hissed at me.  Then she said to me, “Why would I give this to you when you were the one who gave it away?”  I became angry and told her that I’d never given it away, and that it was mine!  She told me, “No. You gave it to me.  You said you didn’t want it.  Now it’s mine.”

I became so furious, I walked outside the room and grabbed a broom that was sitting in the hallway.  I came back into the room and began to hit the woman repeatedly with it.  She didn’t struggle, just sort of… took the beating.  Finally, I stopped, and I remember that I was so horrified with myself for the way I was acting.  The woman turned back and looked at me again, and it was at this point that I recognized her face…. It was me!

I dropped to the ground and threw my arms around her, apologizing for my behavior.  She told me that she was used to the abuse, and didn’t really mind anymore.  I told her I was so sorry, and that she could keep the doll.  The laughed, and said, “This isn’t a doll, silly. “  I took another glance at what she was holding, and realized that it had transformed from the baby doll into something like a giant canvass bag.  I asked her to let me see inside, and she turned the bag over, dumping its contents on the ground.  In front of me was a dress that I realized was something I used to wear long ago, back when I was more of a free spirited young lady.  Also, there was my viola, a bunch of notebooks with my handwriting scrawled on the cover, and a set of keys.

I asked her why she had all of this stuff, and she told me that I gave it away.  I wasn’t using it anymore, so it was hers now.  I told her I wanted it back, and she said No! She kept repeating that I threw it away, I gave it away, it was trash to me then so why did I need it now? I reached out to grab the keys.  Suddenly, they were the focus of my intent.  After a little struggle, I got the keys, and at that moment, everything became dark.  I fumbled around in the darkness until I came to the door.  I flicked a lighter (which I conveniently had in my hand) and tried to turn the knob, but I was locked in.  I tried using the keys, and none of them worked.

I turned around and saw that there was light coming through a window on the other side of the room.  I made my way over, and saw that the woman (now fully clothed in the dress from the bag) was standing outside in the sand.  She was laughing and it way my laughter.  I felt something cold on the back of my neck, I spun around, and was suddenly face to face with what I can only describe as a monster.  I can’t give details, but it was hideous.  And it was laughing too.  And it just kept growling over and over the words  “Stupid girl. Stupid girl.  Stupid girl.”  I looked down at myself and realized that I was now naked, and shivering from the cold.  I looked back up at the…thing…and he placed one hand on each of my shoulders, and began to lean toward me….  I screamed…. then I woke up.

This is one of the most vivid and detailed dreams I’ve ever had in my life.  I don’t know if I really believe that dreams have distinct meanings, but I do think that they can manifest in the form of convoluted symbols from somewhere in your subconcious.  I don’t know if this dream meant anything or if it was the result of watching too many scary movies, but I am still shaken.  I just thought that maybe if I shared it, I could get rid of it.  A little bit.

Update:  I have a dream interpretation dictionary, and this is some of what it revealed.

Desert:  The desert in your dreams could be bringing up issues of stagnation and periods of little growth in your life. Also, the desert could represent your loneliness and feelings of isolation.

House:  If you dream of an abandoned or isolated old house, this could signify a missed opportunity, or an overwhelming desire not yet realized.

Self :To confront yourself in the dream world, it is possible that there is something that you are not being honest with yourself about, or something that you regret that you need to convince yourself to acknowledge.

Dress:  The color of the dress is important.  If you are wearing a white dress, it can mean that you are feeling mournful of lost opportunities.  This also symbolizes innocence.  If you dream of a dress that you own in your waking life, it generally symbolizes a longing for the person that you were when the dress was last worn.

Monster:  To dream of a monster usually symoblizes something that needs to be changed.  Generally, a monster in the dream world is the manifestation of a long held regret or decision that you made that you need to remedy.  If the monster speaks to you, it is likely saying to you the things that your negative energy says to yourself in your subconcious mind.  Monsters, if they are very scary and make you wake in a fright, are usually not a symbol of a recent transgression, but a larger, ongoing problem that has gotten too big to handle.  Often it is the unconcious mind’s way of informing you that a big change in life needs to be made to free yourself of the negative energy.

Naked:  If you begin your dream clothed and end up nude, this symolizes desire and longing.  To suddenly find one’s self naked in a dream can reveal sexual repression or unfullfilled sexual desire.

Soooo….. I don’t know if these interpretations make me feel better or worse!  What do you think?  Do dreams really have meanings, or are they just the jumbled images of a the mind’s eye that throw themselves together into some sort of story once the concious mind shuts down?  I don’t know.  But I do know that this was a dream that a won’t soon forget.

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